The Greatest SI Fic ever created, damnit!
by The Mighty Uuplaku
Summary: A reprint of the original, with permission from the author (me)


David J Thompson the IIIrd is proud to present a tale of lyrical whimsy,  
  
filled with hope, passion, and….ok my girlfriends gone, so prepare  
  
yourself for such absolute stupid foolishness that nobody can even begin  
  
to comprehend its absurdity. That's right, Dave Thompson is at it again,  
  
in a brand new comedy. What else would you expect from the Master of  
  
Stupidity™?  
  
Anywho, legal disclaimer time. Tenchi Muyo belongs to Pioneer animation.  
  
AIC is merely the animation company, so Tenchi Muyo does not belong to  
  
them….I hope, or I'm headin for a lawsuit. Oh well, I'll just say Tenchi  
  
Muyo is also property of AIC, just for the sake of argument. The Kabuki™  
  
style of theatrics belongs to the Japanese, to whom I pledge my immortal  
  
soul. Enough pointless legal crap, on with the stupidity!!  
  
*******  
  
David J. Thompson the IIIrd is proud (and maybe a little disgusted) to  
  
present:  
  
"The Greatest SI fic ever created, dammit!!"  
  
*******  
  
Ho hum, the archeatypical day in my life. Bright, cheerful, full of  
  
promise for the new day. Yep, so damn cheerful it would make your eyes  
  
bleed happiness. Because in Okayama Japan, at least that's where my  
  
computer tells me I am, the weather has been taken over by hippies, who  
  
just love to see their stupid little sun a' shinin' on. Yep, the Fair  
  
Weather goddess is really working hard nowadays, making every day a nice  
  
day. Heck, even in the winter the sun is shining, and the grass is  
  
green, under the three feet of snow I mean. Oh damn, I just executed a  
  
shameless plug for the South Park movie. Damn me, and damn my good  
  
looks, and my kick ass battle armor. Damn my ultra-unrealistic powers!  
  
Damn my natural ability to do just about anything perfectly! Damn it  
  
all! Oops, no time to start damning things, I seem to be approaching a  
  
house. Ooh, I wonder what adventures will await me as I join the  
  
occupants of this less-than-humble abode. Shall we take a look?  
  
A man, standing nearly seven feet tall, approached the household of  
  
Tenchi Masaki. He was clad in black and red battle armor, with the  
  
helmet removed so you could gaze upon his face. That face. That face  
  
that so many dead men had taken to their graves as their last vision, now  
  
gazed upon the household of everyone's favorite spineless worm. Only  
  
this mysterious man didn't know that. All he knew was that he had  
  
recently crash landed here, and needed to get his bearings. He went up  
  
to the door, knocked, and was greeted by a boy.  
  
(Author's Note: Aw dammit, I did it again. I write so well that I made  
  
this into a piece of actually good prose. Damn my natural writing  
  
talent, damn it! Ok, stupidity must reign, so now I proceed to dumb down  
  
my writing immensely.)  
  
Tenchi: Hi!  
  
Stranger: Hello  
  
Tenchi: Are you here to give us our mail?  
  
Stranger: No. I crash landed here and I was hoping you could give me  
  
hand.  
  
Tenchi: Ok. Say, whats your name?  
  
Stranger: My name? Well my name is Alucard Izumo, current captain of the  
  
hyper elite galaxy police force.  
  
Tenchi: Galaxy police eh? Wow, you must be one tough guy to be captain  
  
of the hyper elite force!  
  
Alucard: Yes, well I graduated 1st in my class from the academy. I was  
  
cumma sum lauda from the academy as well. I have spent my past 14 years  
  
studying at the science academy, where I recently graduated top in my  
  
class, of course.  
  
Tenchi: Wow, you certainly are a qualified person.  
  
Alucard: Yes, I was also valedictorian for both academies, and have been  
  
offered a teaching job there.  
  
Tenchi: Wow! What else?  
  
Alucard: Im also a 10th degree black belt in 5 martial arts, a master  
  
swordsman, and a former Juraian knight.  
  
Tenchi: Well, we best get going.  
  
Alucard: Right  
  
And so the duo left for Alucard's crashed spaceship. Meanwhile, Ryoko is  
  
out looking for Tenchi. She is having no luck.  
  
Ryoko: Oh Tenchi! Where are you my love? I bet he's with that slut Ayeka  
  
again! I'll show her a thing or two!  
  
Meanwhile, Alucard directs Tenchi to his crashed shuttle, all the while  
  
speaking on his amazing accomplishments.  
  
Alucard: …and then I captured Kain. After that I defeated Kagato, not  
  
once, but twice!  
  
Tenchi: Wow, you sure are amazing!  
  
Alucard: Yes I am. Oh, there's my ship!  
  
Tenchi and Alucard spot Alucard's ship. Its damage is quite severe.  
  
Tenchi: Nothing that I bet Washu couldn't fix.  
  
Alucard: Washu? Feh, she's an idiot compared to me.  
  
Tenchi: Wow, you must be *really* smart then.  
  
Alucard: I sure am.  
  
Tenchi calls for Washu to bring the ship to her lab. Washu complies.  
  
Alucard and Tenchi go back to the home, and are surprised to see Ryoko  
  
waiting for them. Well, waiting for Tenchi at least.  
  
Ryoko: Oh Tenchi, you're back! I was so worried you were with that devil  
  
woman!  
  
Tenchi: Hey Ryoko, get offa me!  
  
Ryoko: Of Tenchi, I was so worr…  
  
Ryoko's sentence is cut off as she gazes upon the new face behind Tenchi.  
  
Her look is one of absolute surprise as her eyes fall onto the new  
  
stranger. Immediately she drops Tenchi and attaches onto Alucard!  
  
Alucard: Hey! Whaddya think you're doing?!  
  
Ryoko: Did you know I just *love* men in armor….  
  
Aeka comes down in a mad fury.  
  
Aeka: Miss Ryoko! If you even think of doing anything to Tenchi, then  
  
you'll….  
  
Aeka is dumfounded when she sees Tenchi lying in a dazed heap on the  
  
floor, with Ryoko attaching herself to a new stranger. She suddenly  
  
realizes just why she's there. Aeka rushes over to Alucard.  
  
Aeka: Get away from him you monster!  
  
Ryoko: Hey! I saw him first!  
  
Aeka: Leave lord…..uh..whats your name, sir?  
  
Alucard: Alucard  
  
Aeka: Leave Lord Alucard alone!!  
  
Ryoko: Make me!  
  
Aeka: I will!  
  
Small logs appear around Ryoko.  
  
Alucard: Please let me go….  
  
Ryoko: Oh goody. These things again?  
  
Aeka activates her logs. Both Ryoko and Alucard are zapped.  
  
Aeka: Oh no! Lord Alucard!  
  
Alucard: Ugh…good thing I had my own shield up, of else I would've been  
  
crispified.  
  
Aeka: Are you hurt? (She takes his hand)  
  
Alucard: Not really  
  
There eyes meet. Sparks fly between them. They draw closer, closer,  
  
closer…  
  
Aeka: I've been waiting all my life for this…  
  
Ryoko: Ahem. (Shoves Aeka) Now, where were we?  
  
Sasami interrupts the interlude with her usual "Breakfast is ready!".  
  
But the only thing that comes out of her mouth is "Break…" until she sees  
  
the handsome young man being squeezed by Ryoko.  
  
Sasami: Ryoko! You get off of him this instant! Don't you see you're  
  
hurting him?  
  
Ryoko: Butt out Sasami, he's mine!  
  
Alucard: Sasami…help…..me  
  
Sasami attempts to pry Ryoko off from Alucard, but the need never comes  
  
as Ryoko is zapped once more by Aeka.  
  
Aeka: Take that!  
  
Ryoko: Im gonna get you!  
  
The fight goes outside. By this time, everyone is awake. Noboyuki,  
  
Mihoshi, Katsuhito, and Washu all rush down from upstairs to see what all  
  
the commotion is about. They see Tenchi on the floor, Ryoko and Aeka  
  
duking it out again, and Sasami cradling a rather dazed looking figure in  
  
her arms.  
  
Washu: Sasami, who's that?  
  
Sasami: This is Alucard, he's was being squeezed pretty tightly by Ryoko.  
  
Everyone rushes over to Alucard's side with comments like "Are you  
  
okay?", "What happened?", and "Who are you?"  
  
Alucard: First questions first: #1: Yes, #2: Ryoko got "friendly" with  
  
me, and #3: Im Alucard, former head of the hyper-elite GP force, former  
  
Juraian Knight, former bounty hunter, and former professor at the Science  
  
Academy.  
  
Mihoshi: The hyper-elite Galaxy Police Force?  
  
Katsuhito: Juraian Knight?  
  
Washu: The Science Academy?!  
  
Alucard: Yup  
  
Noboyuki: Tell us more about yourself!  
  
Alucard: Okay  
  
3 hours later  
  
Washu: And then you beat Kagato TWICE?!  
  
Alucard: Yes  
  
Mihoshi: And you defeated Kain without the use of Juraian energy?!  
  
Alucard: Well…a bit  
  
Everyone: Oooh, ahhhh  
  
At this point, Tenchi has woken up.  
  
Tenchi: Hey everyone, whats going on?  
  
Washu: Please leave the room Tenchi, you're not wanted here  
  
Tenchi: But…  
  
Everyone: LEAVE!  
  
So he does. He makes his way towards the woods, where he sits down on a  
  
tree stump to ponder the day's events.  
  
A leaf passes by his face, he take no notice of this gentle offering  
  
of  
  
the tree above him. So enveloped in what has happened. A new stranger,  
  
the loss of his loved ones, true sorrow. What is sorrow? Sorrow of  
  
losing a friend. Sorrow of losing a mother. Sorrow of losing…a lover?  
  
Was anyone in the house truly his lover? Could he ever love anyone? No,  
  
shyness was his enemy, and he had no sword to combat this immortal enemy.  
  
It seems as though he would be forever this way. Forever…he couldn't  
  
live with forever. Forever was too long, immeasurable as it was.  
  
(Author's Note: Oops, lapse in stupidity concentration. Try to remain  
  
focused, just breathe…)  
  
Tenchi: I've got to do something about him. But what?  
  
Tenchi suddenly had a plan.  
  
For the next three days things went as normal, except for a few things.  
  
Sasami is coming down very early to make breakfast, when she discovers  
  
Alucard is almost done!  
  
Alucard: Hello Sasami, just thought I'd make breakfast today.  
  
Sasami: Oh, what are you making?  
  
Alucard: Well, I just thought I'd prepare an entire Ten-course meal  
  
complete with sides, appetizers, drinks, deserts, and so forth.  
  
Sasami: Wow! All this for breakfast? Wow Alucard, you're the absolute  
  
greatest! So much better than Tenchi  
  
Alucard: That's correct Sasami. I am the greatest.  
  
Noboyuki enters the room. There is a look of pride on his face.  
  
Noboyuki: Alucard, you're so great that I've decided to disown Tenchi and  
  
accept you as my son! I never did like that spineless worm anyway.  
  
You're just so much better in every possible way!  
  
Alucard: Yes Mr. Noboyuki, thats right. Now get down on the floor and  
  
lick my ultra-cool boots!  
  
Noboyuki: Yes son  
  
Katsuhito enters.  
  
Katsuhito: Alucard, I'd like to announce that because you are so much  
  
better than I, that I shall take my own life. I am not worthy to live  
  
within a 5mile radius of someone as wonderful as you.  
  
Alucard: You do that Katsuhito. Im just too perfect for you. You'll be  
  
a better person for it.  
  
Ryoko enters. Aeka enters. Everyone (minus Tenchi) enters  
  
Washu: Alucard, because you are so much smarter than even me, I bequeath  
  
my entire lab, studies, and life's work, to you. I just cannot possibly  
  
stand to not give you credit for every single thing I have done in my  
  
life. You are just so great that your amazing intelligence, charisma,  
  
strength, abilities, and natural charm cannot go unrewarded. I will also  
  
be commiting ritual suicide along with Katsuhito, for I do not deserve to  
  
live alongside with someone so perfect in every way.  
  
Alucard: That's great Washu.  
  
Ryoko: Alucard, please make love to me so that we may bear the greatest  
  
children ever!!  
  
Aeka: No! Alucard, will be the father of MY children!!  
  
Alucard: Woah! Don't worry you guys, I'll father ALL your children!  
  
Just understand that you'll do all the raising yourselves while I go  
  
party with my uuber-friends and go get other women knocked up.  
  
Mihoshi: That's fine with me!  
  
Kiyone: I wouldn't have it any other way!  
  
Ryoko: Alucard, you're the greatest carbon based life-form to ever exist!  
  
Azusa enters the room.  
  
Azusa: As current king of the Jurai royal family, I officially step down  
  
from the throne and hand over control of the entire Juraian empire to  
  
you, Alucard. I only ask one favor of you.  
  
Alucard: Whats that?  
  
Azusa: Let me touch you.  
  
Alucard: Ok, I'll let you touch me AGAIN.  
  
Azusa touches Alucard on the shoulder. He nearly faints when he does so.  
  
Alucard: Well looks like Im the King of Jurai AGAIN.  
  
Aeka: That means you and I are to be married at once!! As king of Jurai,  
  
you are only allowed marriage to me, and none of these other sluts!!  
  
The "Other Sluts": I'LL KILL YOU!!  
  
Alucard: Girls, girls, theres no need to fight. As King of Jurai, I  
  
proclaim that the king has the right to choose any whom he desires to  
  
marry!!  
  
All: Goodies!  
  
Suddenly, a large explosion is heard. Everyone rushes out to see not  
  
only Kagato and Kain standing in front of the house, but about 100 of  
  
their cronies!!  
  
Washu: Oh no!  
  
Ryoko: Not again!  
  
Alucard: Never fear! Alucard is here!!  
  
Kagato: We're here to kill you all!!  
  
Kain: Yes, all of you!!  
  
Alucard: You wont hurt my friends!  
  
Kagato: Oh really??  
  
Alucard: Yes! In fact, Im going to beat you with both my arms tied  
  
behind my back, using only my big toe!! And I'm going to make things  
  
fair by giving you both the secret to the power of the Jurai!  
  
Alucard does. Kagato and Kain laugh maniacally when they get the power of  
  
the Jurai.  
  
Kain: Now you shall all die!!  
  
Alucard flies up, does a quadruple flip, jams his big toe into Kain's  
  
eye. Kain roars in pain, then Alucard slices him several times with his  
  
toenail.  
  
Kagato: How can you be this powerful?!  
  
Alucard: Easy, I ate my Wheaties as a kid!  
  
Kagato is very angry.  
  
Kagato: Stupid fool! With the power of the Jurai I am now invinci-  
  
Kagato's sentence is cut short as Alucard slices him in half with an  
  
energy blade.  
  
Alucard: What was that you were going to say?  
  
Kagato slumps to the ground. Alucard proceeds to destroy all 100 of the  
  
cronies using only a fork and a pair of tweezers. After Alucard is  
  
victorious, everyone rushes up to him.  
  
Washu: Wow! That was amazing!!  
  
Ryoko: Yeah, its amazing that even though both Kain and Kagato would be  
  
invincible if given the power of the Jurai, you were still able to beat  
  
them with just your big toe!!  
  
Aeka: Hooray for Alucard!  
  
Mihoshi: Wow Alucard, you're just so perfect in every way!  
  
Alucard: You are correct in that statement Mihoshi. Im just so utterly  
  
perfect that I cant stand myself.  
  
Alucard whips out a mirror and spends the next twenty minutes combing his  
  
long, black hair.  
  
Alucard: Ok, Im done grooming. Who wants dinner?  
  
Everyone: Me!!  
  
Sasami: Whats for dinner Alucard? I know it'll be great!  
  
Alucard: Steak!  
  
Everyone: Yay!  
  
Washu: Say Alucard, you never really told us the true extent of you  
  
abilities. I've been wondering just what you can do  
  
Alucard: Well Washu, I can fly, teleport, shoot energy blasts, cloak,  
  
walk on water, make miracles happen, I'm telekinetic…  
  
20 minutes later…  
  
Alucard:…and I can shoot "heat rays" from my eyes, and I'm faster than a  
  
speeding bullet and--  
  
Without warning, Tenchi leaps out from behind a bush, catching everyone  
  
completely off guard.  
  
Tenchi: DIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!  
  
Tenchi slashes at Alucard with his sword, completely severing his head.  
  
Immense amounts of blood gush from Alucard's neck, staining the ground  
  
beneath him. Alucard falls to the ground, dead.  
  
Tenchi: Phew, I thought we'd never get rid of HIM  
  
Everyone: ALUCARD!!!!! WHY GOD, WH-  
  
Everyone's cry is cut short as they begin to awaken from what seemed to  
  
be a very long dream.  
  
Ryoko: Oh Tenchi!! You finally knocked off that bastard!!  
  
Aeka: I cannot believe how we ever actually put up with that horrid man!!  
  
Mihoshi: What ever came over us?!  
  
Tenchi: Simple, Alucard was able to cloud your minds into thinking that  
  
he was actually a great guy, when in reality, he was an uuber-annoying  
  
spaz.  
  
Washu: I think the term is "Self-insertion charcater"  
  
Tenchi: That's right Washu  
  
Katsuhito: To think that I almost killed myself over that idiot!!  
  
Washu: And to think that I'd give away all my creations to that annoying  
  
loser!!  
  
Azusa: I shall officially reclaim my title as king of Jurai! And this  
  
incident will be forever forgotten!  
  
Everyone: Amen to that!  
  
**********  
  
Well kids, this has been an excersize in how NOT to write an SI fanfic.  
  
Fanfics like this have already been written, and of course, they suck  
  
ass. Some examples are: The Maxim series by Phaw, Tenchi Muyo in Life by  
  
HLok, and Tales of Adam by Adam Asskicker. There was also the one with  
  
Tarot, but I cant remember the name or author of that story. Read these  
  
fics, appreciate how much smarter you are than these ass-tacular pieces  
  
of ass. Avoid SI fics like the plague, only evil can come of them. I  
  
hope you've all learned a good lesson here, so always remember, "Winners  
  
don't do SI"  
  
All questions and comments can be sent to:  
  
deathymcdeath@yahoo.com  
  
Constructive criticism will be appreciated. Negative comments from the  
  
mentioned authors will be printed out, chewed up, spit out, flushed down  
  
the toilet, retrieved from the sewage treatment plant, and then cast into  
  
my fireplace. Other than that, thank you for reading ^_^ 


End file.
